Midnight Conversation

What a scary thing it is to wake up and realize you are your own person. To realize that your life from now on, is all in your own hands. Nobody can be there to tell you which direction to go in to make you happy. Only you can make you happy. I don't know if I can take on that responsibility. It's funny, I can be so committed to and responsible for so many other facets of my life and other's, but the hardest, most frightening duty I can take on is myself as a whole. Why can't it be so simple? I've spent my whole life with myself, but why am I the hardest to interpret? Why am I never just either black or white, but always gray mush in between? I'm not outgoing, but not shy. I'm not short enough to look like a beautiful dancer, but I'm not tall enough to be a model. I don't sway too far on the left or right side of politics. Sometimes I like that about myself, true, because I can be so open minded and contemplative of both sides of the argument, but maybe it's just that I'm too damn scared to side with any of them.

Last night I had a strangely comfortable conversation with Katie about how alone we really are, and how it's up to us to create the rest of our lives. I cannot even believe how much I've grown since freshman year, let alone high school! It's amazing what just a few short years of experience can do to you. Maybe I'm just at that prime age, like a growth spurt in middle school, but this time I can't count the inches; it's so far beyond something that simple. As elementary as it sounds, as we talked we found ourselves in complete awe at how huge the world really is! And how sad it is that we can never see all of it... That America is just SUCH a tiny chunk of the world, and somehow we're content with choosing to feel secure and so naive about the rest of it just so that we can comprehend it. Although personally I feel just a bit differently, I really agree with how Katie feels: to thirst for something to do that's so outrageous and spontaneous, not by the books, totally unscripted, just because she can, to just BE. Because all of a sudden, we really can. There's really not much that could hold me back from taking a trip around the world, and I'm so lucky to have that option, but who knows if I'll ever take it. I find myself sticking with the same major that I know I don't like, that I know I won't be happy with 20 years down the road, and I've already found alternatives to my career and a whole other plan that I can't wait to continue with. But still I remain stationary.

All I can do is hope that one day it will all just make perfect sense and I will move on with my next impulse at the right time. Because, if I've grown this much in less then two years, who knows how much more self-knowledge and understanding I'll have one more year down the road....